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Jokes page 25 (Singaporean Jokes)

WELCOME TO SINGLISH/SINGAPORE DIALECT DICTIONARY

1) Ah Then?
In other words, "isn't it obvious?"
A rhetorical question used to express disgust at the
listener's stupidity in grasping the obvious.
For example:
Ah Mao: Go World Trade Centre can take 61 meh?
Ah Kow: Ah then? Of cos lah!

2) Arrow
Means: to be given a task by your superior that you don't
want to do.
Can also mean that you have been allocated a task in your
absence.
Example : Wow lau! My boss "arrow" me to do this job. I very
pek chek lah!!
"You sabo king! Just because I never come for meeting you
arrow me to do this report!"

3) Bak chew tah stamp/sai
Which literally means "eye stuck with a stamp/smeared with shit"
Connotative meaning is "very blind."
e.g. Wah liao ayy! His girlfriend so argly, bakchew tah stamp!
e.g. She so happening! He like tek ko she really bakchew tah sai!

4) Bo Eng Lah!
Meaning : Not free or can't be bothered
Aiyoh! So many things to do. Go bowling? Boh eng lah!

5) Borrow Me < p Commonly used by Singaporeans of the Ah-beng
and Ah-lian species. It means "lend" and is usually used in the
context
of a request.
Ah-Beng: Eh, my Brylcream don't know go where. Can you borrow me
your hairgel?

6) Buey tah han
Translation:(hokkien) Cannot take the pressure or cannot
solve problem.
Student 1: Wahlaoeh, this exam I really buey tah han it ah.
So many questions i don't know.
Student 2: Yah lor... I also want to bengsan already.

7) Can
Often used to praise someone for something specific.
Origin: Mandarin. (eg. "Ni zhen xing!")
Ah-Kow: you so fast finish your homework already har. You
very the can, man!
N.B. Can also be used without "the." Eg. "Wah, you very can!"

8) Catch No Ball!
Meaning: Don't understand
Example: Can you repeat that again? I catch no ball leh!

9) cham siong
means to compromise (usually to get out of trouble)
Example: Ah Lian to an ow ka (traffic police) who is giving her a
ticket: "Why like that, can cham siong or not?"

10) Cher
A quick way of calling "teacher". Most prominently heard from
secondary
school students.
Eg, Student A: Cher cher! Can I go to the loo?
Teacher : Go lah go lah!

11) Chiminology
Define: To describe difficult words such that one cannot understand
Ah Beng: Ooi! What you say I don't understand lah, stop using
those chiminology can or not!
Ah Sheng: When writing must use some chiminology, then teacher
will think that I am very educated mah.

12) Diam
An english equivalant would be 'be quiet!'
For example: Diam Diam! You had better be good or mummy will
butcher
you Diam Diam is the same as Diam, except it is more serious.

13) Dom Pang
Usually used as an expression to request a favour from someone
who might be going your way My bicycle broke down today, can dom
pang
your car to work today or not..
or Since you are going out for lunch, can I dom pang you to buy me
some cheeken lice (rice)?

14) bFri-end
The Singaporean equivalent of buddy or mate, or it can be used by
kids to mean 'befriend'.
Fri-end, you better not come round here anymore or else I wah-lap
you or If you friend Ah kaw then I don't friend you

15) hao lian
meaning: vain beyond belief
Eg: mai hao lian lah! who's going to look at you?

16) Jia Lat!
means: very serious; prefixed with see-peh; to make it even more
serious.
example: jia-lat man! Exam this time sure fail one.

17) jheelo
meaning: zero
eg: Parent yelling at his son "how come you get jheelo for this
test!"

18) Jude
It 's a word commonly use by buayas(color wolf). No known sources
where it is from.
It 's actual meaning is pretty or rather sweet in description of
a girl (female human being).
"ooi Ah Leng!!!Look there !!!!!! you see that girl walking across
the Atrium, wah-lau damn jude man !!!! "

19) Kan-cheong
Meaning: to be hurried, flustered, uptight
The MRT door heaven open yet, you so kan-cheong for whaaaat!
Now only April, November then exam, why so kan-cheong?

20) Ke Chia
Explanation: Up the lorry (literal)
Other meaning: Die!!!
Usage: Wah-piang eh! Tomorrow got test leh, haven't prepare yet,
so ke Chia!!!

21) kena sai
meaning - literal "to be stained by SHIT".
Is used to comment that a person has done something to thoroughly
embarass/disgrace himself
Eg. Wah liaow! His singing so terok but still action on
stage, really kena sai, man!

22) Lem Bek
Meaning: To be laggi weak physically.. (Warning: Could be
offensive so pls be lem bek just this once - use with care!)
Origin:(probably) Malay
eg. Aiyoh ! Why he everything cannot do one..so lembek !

23)Lerf
meaning: love
Darling ah.....I lerf you for-efer you know? Donch leaf me hor?

24)On The Ball
To decribe a person for exceptionally hardworking.
Why you so on the ball, spoil the market......

25) "Or Piang"
Adjective: meaning ugly, especially for ah-lian/ah-beng category
of people.
Example: Wah lau, your sister really look or piang, man.

26) Pai-seh
Meaning: Apologetic with embarassment and some shyness!
Origin: Hokkien
Examples of use: Today you pay for dinner again huh, so pai seh!
"Eh, Ah Seng fart in the lift one -- not scared of pai seh!"

27) pa-jiao
literal translation: Beat Bird
Can be dirty at time, so be careful of its usage.
English equivalent :Blind
Eg:Look at the plane in the sky!
Where?
You pa-jiao one is it! There!!!!
Oh There!

28) Sa Kah
Meaning : to flatter someone, get into someone's good book.
Eg. I know you want to get good grades, but for goodness sake,
not sa kah untill like that lah!

29) Sart
meaning: so shiok you feel almost invincible
Wah! You very sart, ah! Win lottery now can spend! Can lend me
money or not?

30) See-Buay
English Trans. : VERY!!!!!
Usage : Usually used by trueblue singaporeans to replace the
"colonial scums'" word , VERY. This highly versatile replacement
can be used in almost any sentance which requires the word, very.
Best used with other singlish words, like siong, sian, jia lat,
etc...
E.Gs : Wah lau!! That 5bx see-buay siong ah!!! Can die!!!
Kar-n*-**!!
Miss Chin's philo lecture see-buay sian! Almost hung myself!!!
Eh! Ah Gao! You got buy the flower for Ah Huay or not?? Don't have,
ah!!See-buay jialat!!!
CAUTION!! : Even though this wonderful word is fairly versatile,
new users should be warned that there are some instances where a
replacement may be inappropiate.
For example, see-buay euphonious just doesn't kick!Or like Ah Gao
would
say.. see-buay buay kam!!

31) see gin nah
Meaning : "see" meaning die in hokkien "gin nah" meaning children
or kids in hokkien
Used to scold someone who got you in trouble, sabo you ,did
you injustice or just simply irritates you!
example:"see gin nah, you. Try to be funny right? Wait till I get
my hands on you."

32) Seik bai
Origin: Cantonese
English equivalent: mission failed
Usage: usually use to describe a failure or loser.
e.g. Sooo simple job also cannot do you relly seik bai no.

33) Siao Liao
1st meaning: crazy, out of his mind
Eg. I think he siao liao, so on for what? Never ask you to do you
still go and do!!
2nd meaning: expression used before or after `disaster'.
A.k.a. die lah!
Eg. This time siao liao! Got assignment to hand in tomorrow still
haven't do!

34) Solid siah!
Meaning: Simply great, superb!
For example,
Ah Mao: Did you watch the football match last night?
Ah Kow: Got lar! That Fandi Ahmad dem _solid siah! That beautiful

35) Spoil The Market
Meaning: Raise the standard (of something) to an unacceptably high
level.
Example: His project do until so solid ... spoil the market only!

36) Swah-ku
Origin: Hokkien word
Translation: mountain tortise.
Meaning: To tell someone that he/she is not well inform or not
knowledgeable.
Example:What!Aiyah,sooo simple you also do'nt know. So very swah-ku
one!

37) Tok Kong
Meaning Very Good or Very Solid.
Ah Beng1 " you see her legs..Tok Gong man !"
Ah Beng2 " No..her body more Tok Gong !"
Ah Beng3 " No Lah...what u talking, that one is my Mother Lah.!"

38) Tum-Sim
Meaning: Greedy.
You know that you're tum-sim when:
1.You buy $1.50 rojak and ask for all tow-pok and yew char kuay.
2.You pay $80 for a trip to Phuket and demand they serve lobsters.
3.You don't pay attention to discounts less than 40%.
4.You will buy 12 ovaltines to get 1 free. (And redeem the gift
hankerchief at the counter)
5.You rent out your 3-bedroom apartment to 12 people.
6.Your picture is hung at the Marina seafood center with the words
"do not admit" embossed on it.
7.Your income tax returns is $1.27 and you insist the government
should sell you Telecoms shares at a discount.
8.You pay 60 cents for a bus trip from Mandai to Pasir Ris.
9.You want to pay $10 for a COE and expect the road to have no
traffic jams.
10.You bought a $4.50 T-shirt from Chinatown and ask for a written
warranty.

39) Wah piang eh
meaning: what the heck. (similiar 2 wah lah)
aid when the person is frustrated.
example: wah piang eh! So s-way ah. Why I always kanna tekan?

40) WENLA
Expresion which implies that something will not happen, as in the
conversation below:
A: Hey, do you think it will rain?
B: Aiyah, WENLA!

41) Siam
to mean get out of the way or having avoided something unpleasant
E.g. Siam! Siam! Shio ah! (use by the hawker)
E.g. Neng tiao (officer) call seow eh wash toylet. Wa boh kenna,
Siam tiok see pei heng ah!
You Thought (another version)
Sargeant : Ooi.. You *(^^(#*&^^. What the *&(*& are you doing here!
You're suppose to be prowling not sleeping.
Private : I thought Ah Kao was on the prowl now.
Sargeant : Yes, You thought, I think, Who confirm?.

42) Z-Monster
Meaning: An army term used with relation to being sleepy.
Usage: SGT: Recruit, cannot fight the Z-monster,right?
Recruit: No!! SGT!!!!!!!
SGT: Ne'ber mind,go and support the wall.

Proper Way to Use English

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:

Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: Sorlee, No Stock!

Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, eh who page me aaah?

When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam, hor! or ExSkews!

When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No-nid. (no need)

When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?

When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! or Wah, buay ta han, ai choot liao!

When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!

When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?

When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Doe-waaaan. (don't want)

When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: So how?

When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about Dickens.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (you mad, ha?)

When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh kao bu, lah! (Don't cry father/mother)

When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (See what?)

Kiasu Class

A to Z of Kiasu's Philosophy

A
Always must win
B
Borrow but never return
C
Cheap is good
D
Don't trust anyone
E
Everything also must grab!
F
Free! Free! Free!
G
Grab first talk later!
H
Help yourself to everything
I
I first, I want, I everything
J
Jump queue
K
Keep coming back for more
L
Look for discounts
M
Must not lose face
N
Never mind what they think
O
Outdo everyone you know!
P
Pay only when necessary
Q
Quit while you're ahead
R
Rushing and Pushing win the race
S
Samples are always welcome
T
Take but don't give
U
Unless it's free, forget it
V
Vow to be number one
W
Winner takes it all! all! all!
X
x'tra = more!
Y
Yell if necessary to get what you want
Z
Zebras are kiasu because they want to be black and white at the same time

Think smart and act blur
.... Kiasu School of Thought

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's ... Car, Condo, Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career.

The latest is 5 'K's ...

Kiasu
(scared of loosing)
Kiasee
(scared of dying)
Kiabor
(scared of wife)
Kiaboh
(scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu
(scared of government)

A Singaporean crashes his car. He leaps out of the car crying "My Mercedes, My Mercedes".
A passerby rushes up, asking in amazement "but how can you be concerned about your car, your arm has been ripped off!" The Singaporean looks down; "My Rolex, my Rolex"

Who's the boss?

A few months back Mahathir went on holiday and Anwar was left in charge.
Since Mahathir was not around Anwar decided to throw some weight around to show that he is the boss now. The day before Mahathir left he went on an expensive shopping spree. He spotted something interesting while he was
at Lot 3, a very expensive branded T-shirt with a distinctive word across the chest - hugo BOSS. He bought it and wear to office the very next day, with a coat unbutton revealing the word BOSS to everyone.

Suay suay (unfortunately), Mahathir delayed his flight because of his wife's headache and decided to go back to office to do some work.
When he stepped into his office he caught Anwar by surprise. Anwar then was sitting with his cross-legs up the table, arms behind his head, unbutton coat with the word BOSS right across his chest. Upon seeing Mahathir he quickly try to covers up with his coat. Mahathir realizing what was happening and said, "Its OK , its OK Anwar, I'm on leave you can carry on." Before he walked out. Of course Mahathir was furious and went also to LOT 3 to look for something to teach his deputy a lesson. He thought of an idea and bought a branded T-shirt too to counter Anwar's by wearing it to office that very afternoon without a coat.

Guess what's the brand? (scroll down)

BOS SINNI
(read in Malay please - ---> Boss here)

The Experiment

Long time ago in the western part of Malaysia, a rich tycoon wanted to know how happy a man can be if you can give him one wish . After many advices from his "Kay-Po" friends, he decided to select 3 people to test out his experiment.

The rules are :

1.The person can only have 1 wish.
2.The person will be put on a deserted island for 30 years.
3.They have to come back after the experiment to tell the world about their experiences.
4.Food (not liquor) will be provided.

After shortlisting 3 person from a possible pool of 3,000,000 ; they were given a press conference to say what they want to bring along to the island for 30 years.

Contestant #1 : Billy Klinton (USA)

"I want to have the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefold girls so that I can make the most beautiful babies in the world"
p/s : PLAYBOY is the magazine where beautiful women have no money to buy clothes.

Contestant #2 : Jon Mayjor (UK)

"I want to have 30 years supplies of Booze" p/s : Booze is liquor

Contestant #3 : Ah Beng (SGP)

"I want Saa-Lim (Salim in English) Cigarettes. 30 years supplies so I can smoke until I song"
p/s : Salim is the green packet cigarette cost 4.80 per pack

30 long years later, the 3 heros came back from their long adventure.

The world is eager to hear what the 3 men have to say .......

1.Billy was at the press conference with close to 200 children and 30 estranged women. His first remark to the press : "It has been a long sexual experience for me and I am just wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the Mother for Free".

2.Jon was still suffering from the hangovers of the booze he had the night before BUT managed to muster enough effort to shout "God save the BEER. The Queen can drink the seawater".

3.Surprisingly, Ah Beng brought back all his cigarette and on first sight of the people, his first remarks were

" $%^*#?x!! (Very vulgar Hokkien Words) Buay Kee Tua lighter leh !! (Forget my lighter in English) "

Ah Beng / Ah Lian jokes

Once, Ah Lian and Ah Huay who went to Westin Stamford for a dinner. It was on the 72nd floor. So they went up and had dinner. When they left, they stepped into the lift (only 2 of them). They scanned through the buttons and found that there was no 1st floor. So they panic. The Ah Huay said to take the stairs but the on her shouted in Hokkien, "You siao issit??" So, the one who didn't want to take the stairs thought of an idea. She pressed the "G" button on the lift and after a while, they found themselves on the 1st floor. So Ah Huay was suprised! She ask the one who pressed it "Wah, you smart one, how u know?? You so clever!!" Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah... so simple u also dunno!! "G" mah..."G" stand for gero loh...".

Getting a loan

Phua Chu Kang walked into a bank at World Trade Centre and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on business for two days and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. Ah Kang then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two days later Ah Kang returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ah Kang replied: "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 15 dollars, huh?"

Ah Meng, Ah Beng und Ah Seng Once there was Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng who were arrested in during the Japanese occupation time for smuggling. "We'll give you three a fair trial and shoot you tomorrow," said the "Capitan" of the guard. The three spent a restless night.

"But not to worry, friend" said Ah Meng. "I shall invoke the natural disaster plan. These Japanese are terrified of natural disaster. Just watch." so at dawn Ah Meng said he would face the firing squad first and the other two watched from their cell as the captain said "Ready... Aim..."
"Earthquake! Earthquake!" shouted Ah Meng at the top of his voice. The Japanese panicked and in the cofusion, the Ah Meng escaped.

Later Ah Seng was led to the stake and the captain said "Ready... Aim..." "Flood! Flood!" roared Ah Seng and in the confusion he escaped too.

Ah Beng had picked the drift of the plot. It was all a matter of timing, so he listened as the captain ordered "Ready... Aim..." "Fire!" yelled Ah Beng.

Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng went to a KTV lounge for a beer. When the Tiger draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. Ah Meng pushed his draft away in disgust. "Yuk, I cannot drink such a mess!" Ah Seng shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. Ah Beng was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, "Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!"

Kiasu
A Mercedes limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the Benz started bragging to the Mini owner that his was the best car that money could buy.
"This is the best car that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the Mini owner interrupted. "But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed at this point, and the Benz driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Kancil again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).
"I installed a VCR in my car", said the businessman proudly.
The mini-man responded: "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

Gan Bei

Once upon a time in China, there was a wedding dinner. The dinner occupies only half the restaurant. The other half was occupied by some caucasian tourists. As the wedding couple hop from table to table to toast the guests, the cheers of "GAN BEI" (meaning happy & joyous drinking) gets louder and louder. One caucasion gets more and more irritated as the couple get closer to him.

"GAN BEI"....................."GAN BEI".................."GAN BEI".........!!" the cheers continued.

Finally, the irritated caucasion couldn't take it anymore. He stood up on his chair and shouted, "IF YOU CAN'T PAY, THEN LET ME PAY FOR U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

On the street, a reporter was asking three pedestrians with the same question, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the food shortage in Iraq?".

The first person, a Swiss, "Shortage? What is that?"

The second, an Albanian, "Opinion? What is an opinion?"

The third, a Singaporean, "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

The Singlish Version

^..^ DE TREE LEETLE PICS ^..^
(oo) (oo)

Last time, got tree leetle pics. Dey all blarders but not marry yet, so cannot get hedg-de-be flat, somust built deir own house.
De fers blarder, a bit switch-off and like to relac, so he only wan to built only simple-simple house, so he go and built one with stlaw.But den hor, when de house finis alledy, his blarders laugh at him and say, "Wapiang, stlaw house how to live? So ao one - got no standard!"

De secan blarder, hor, tink hard hard and den wan to built a more good house, so he take many, many wood and built a wooden house.He go take come many pieces of wood but his two blarders laugh at him and say "Walau, so kayu one - wood where can tahan de wind?
Wind come and all drop alledy!" De terd blarder like to be aiksi-borak one, so he wan to built his house make come out of blick one.When de house finis alledy, his blarders all come and look and den dey say, "wah, your house so nice one, you got blick you early early donch say - so ngiaow one! "De terd blarder say back, "Use your blain, use your blain! You where can be crever like me?"
De tree blarders live happy-happy hor, but den got one day, de biig ba woof come and karchau de fers blarder. De woof say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door. If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!"De leetle pic very tee-kee one, so donch open de door.So de woof open his mouf big big and brow de stlaw house down.De fers blarder den run away very fast to his secan blarder house.

When at de secan blarder house, hor, de woof also come and say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door.If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!"De secan blarder auso donch open de door, so de woof open his mouf big big and brow de kayu house down.De two blarder den run away very fast to deir terd blarder house.

Now auso hor, at de terd blarder house, de woof again come and say, "Leetle pic, leetle pic, open your door.If you donch open ah, I will brow your house down!" De terd blarder say back, "You tink you
so crever you can brow my blick house down, you brow lah!" So de woof open his mouf big big and he brow and brow but he cannot brow down.He brow and brow and den,he pengsan!

De brave leetle pics go out and see de woof is die or not. Dey all carry de woof in, tinking dat de woof die alledy. Suddenry, de woof jum up and huntam de fers and secan blarder.De terd blarder
stand oneside - diam, diam ony. You see ah, de terd blarder was a glassloot leader and dat's how he got de blicks.De woof know dis and say to de terd blarder if he donch hap him to catch his two udder blarders,
de woof go and leport him to de garmen.So wat to do?So bo-bian, lah! So togeder de terd leetle pic and de woof sit down to share-share eat suckling pics in de terd blarder's upgladed house.
And dey lived happily after dat for ever liao...
^**^ DE END ^--^
(oo) (oo)

Singapore Parliament Jokes

1. Q: Which minister is the most sleepy guy in parliament??
A: Dr. Yawning Hong (Dr. Yeo Ning Hong)

2. Q: Which minister holds 3 jobs??
A: Dr. Ahmad Mattar (He is a doctor, driver and policeman) Ahmad means driver in Malay and Mattar sounds like mata for policeman

3. Q: Which minister smokes the most in parliament??
A: Mr. Marlboro Tan (Mr. Mah Bow Tan)

4. Q: Which minister does not observe traffic rules??
A: Mr. Ang Teng Cheong (Mr. Ong Teng Cheong which when read in Hokkien literally means red light also dash!!!

5. Q: Which minister cannot sing??
A: Mr. Wong Kan Sing (Wong can't sing)

Something Very Singaporean

In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB), most people already used to Pay And Pay (PAP). Not only pay, you Pay Until Broke (PUB). As if that not enough, somebody still Purposely Want to Dig (PWD) from you. What to do if you are in the Money Only environment (MOE).

With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA) which make some people to Purposely Owe Some Banks (POSB) and live on Loan Techniques Always (LTA). When you are sick, you might
be able to use the Cash Prior to Funeral(CPF) fund if you happen to be admitted to the Money Operating Hospital(MOE) on time. If you sure bad luck one, you may meet doctor who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you and that would make you Sure Give up Hope (SGH) When that happens, Call Home, you deserve a better place to recuperate. To help to ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On expressway (COE).
If that doesn't help, the Lousy Tax Accounting (LTA), can always Everytime Raise Price (ERP) on the road. If you don't own a car, you can always go for the Mad Rush to Train (MRT) and get squashed Side By Side (SBS).

A tall story. (For Singapore)

Please go into your pocket and search for a $1 coin, and take a good look at it - I had done so this morning in the toilet !
It is round, no doubt, but has a unique Octagonal design - which is a symbolic figure in Chinese Geomancy or feng shui. This is where the story of this coin begins.

1. On the island of Singapore, lives a very influential man named LKY (Lee Kuan Yew). He is very particular about feng shui, ie, man's balance with nature. There is a particular day and also the time of the day to inaugurate an important event. There is also a particular colour of his dressing , when it comes to important occasions, and so on. He has a feng shui mentor in the person of a famous monk, a particular Venerable who died recently. LKY would seek the advice of this Venerable, whenever he has to make an important decision.
2. The $1 coin comes into circulation at the time of the MRT construction on the island ( can check date if you have doubts ).
It goes that the Venerable had advised LKY that MRT tunnelling work will be bad for the feng shui of the island, its prosperity, etc. Firmed on pushing ahead with the project, LKY asked if there is anything that could be done to circumvent the bad feng shui. Yes, replied the Venerable, but it may be impossible to implement. LKY to the Venerable - please speak. The Venerable said that EVERY household on this island must have or must display a `pak kwa' or a symbolic Octagonal ( 8 sided) object.
Oh no, there will definitely be racial riots ! How could LKY force every household to have a `pak kwa' at home? Hey hey said the wise LKY - EVERYBODY will like to have as many `pak kwas' as possible, and the $1 coin was born !
4. This may sound ridiculous, but it is for you to think about it ! How? believe or not.....???

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT and NUS. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person.He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired.

All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president. "Well, a thought takes no time at all ..... it is your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president. Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president. "Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from NUS was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy ....." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps and before I could THINK ..... BLINK ..... or TURN ON THE LIGHTS ....., I shit all over myself!!!!!"

During the ASEAN meeting, all Prime Minister of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY. During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind."
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter."

LKY of Singapore was not impressed and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year."
Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the fuck can you do with just SGD$500 only ?" And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"

Remember our local girl-turned porned star, Anabel Cheong, from Singapore who went over to the States and got the world record of being fucked by 250 men (one after another) Here's a song to "glorify" our very own "Evita"

*grin*....hope you ppl like the new version of Dont Cry For Me Argentina :)

FW: An Ode to Anabel: A New Classic from SCS :-)

Better see Evita first for full benefits!
An Ode to Anabel...

DON'T CRY FOR ME SINGAPURA

It was not easy, you'd think it hurts
Though I try to explain how it felt
That I could still get up and run
After two hundred and fifty-one

It took much effort
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Altough she's not wearing anything at all
And trying to do it some more

I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't spend all my life down here
Looking out of the window, in a blue pinafore
So I chose freedom, running around,
Trying every man I knew,
But no dick impressed me at all,
I didn't expected it too

Don't Cry For Me Singapura
The truth is I never left you
All through my orgies, my mad orgasms
I've done my best now, so buy the video

And as for headlines, and as for shame
I'd never invited them in
Though it seemed to the newpaper
They were all I desired

They're all illusions
They're not truths the reporter claimed them to be
The answer was clear all the time
I love it, so what's your problem?

Don't cry for me Singapura
Don't read the newspaper either
All through their wild lies, their crazy stories
They hurt my loved ones, to make more money?

Have I screwed too much
Is there no one else tonight I can think of to try to take
But don't decieve yourself, tell me that it's true
That you took delight in it too!

The judge asked Ah Seng, "Have you ever been arrested?"
"No," came the reply.
"So, you have been a good citizen?"
"Well, as I'm under oath, I can only say I've never been caught before."

The prosecutor looked hard at the judge and began his final summation.
This was the work of no amateur, this was the work of a brilliant, cool and calculative criminal and......."
At this, Ah Seng, the defendant, cut in, "Don't try to flatter me! I won't confess!"

Ah Fook, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately.
"Look Ah Fook, why don't you shape up?" said the Co, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look
forward to?"
Ah Fook replied, "Well Sir, to tell you the truth, that is really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"

Here's an advice for the girls out there :
"Girls, marry a National Serviceman! He can cook, sew, make bed, and is already used to taking orders!"

Top Ten Reasons why there are no Sex Scandals in Singapore

10 Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9 Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8 Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7 Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6 Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5 Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4 SPGs only go for foreigners.
3 Kiasi - don't want to get AIDS
2 Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
And (drumroll)... the number one reason why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...
1 Still confused over condoms and condos.

Lee Kuan Yew and Goh Chok Tong were among the world leaders in Hong Kong for the handover ceremony and were at a tea party at the governor's mansion. As can be expected of such a grand event, the dignitaries were served with the finest silverware and the rarest of antique porcelain crockery.
Goh Chok Tong looked at the exquisite teacup and saucer and decided that he would keep the saucer as a souvenir of the occasion.
When he thought nobody was watching, he nonchalantly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket.
Lee Kuan Yew, who was on the other side of the room, saw Goh Chok Tong and his hijacking of the antique saucer. He was fuming. How dare Goh Chok Tong do that! What will happen if somebody else had seen him? It
would be most humiliating if he was stopped and searched!
However, nothing happened and Goh Chok Tong was able to mingle with the crowd again. This started Lee Kuan Yew thinking. Anything Goh Chok Tong can do, I can do better. Besides, the antique saucer was very nice and he wanted one as a souvenir too. So how could he just stand idly by and not do anything.
Lee Kuan Yew decided that he would out-do Goh Chok Tong. He was going to souvenir both the cup and the saucer. When he thought that nobody was looking, he quietly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket.Then just as he was about to slip the cup in, Jiang Zemin walked up to him and angrily wagged his finger at Lee Kuan Yew.
Jiang Zemin was furious! How dare you steal our country's treasures?
Who do you think you are? Soon a crowd gathered. Goh Chok Tong on noticing the commotion also walked over to see what was happening. Lee Kuan Yew was very cool. He was laughing. President Jiang, he said. I'm glad you saw what happened. I was merely performing a magic trick for you and your honoured guests.
You see, the trick is like this. I put the saucer into my coat pocket.
But the saucer will appear out from Goh Chok Tong's coat pocket. Isn't that right, Goh Chok Tong?
Goh Chok Tong sheepishly pulled the saucer out of his coat pocket to the applause of the crowd. Gone was his souvenir. The canny Lee Kuan Yew had outsmarted him again.

There was once a tourist who visited Singapore for business. She intend to stay for quite a long period. She had to pass-by a foreign bank in Shenton Way every morning in order to get to her office.

In the bank, there was this Singh sercurity guard who caught her attention.
It was his well-kept and curled moustache that attracted her. She told herself, " I have not seen such a beautiful moustache in my life before. How I wish that I could have just one strand of it as a souvenir to bring home."

Thinking about this, she walked on to her office. So, she walked pass the bank everyday before and after work just to have an admire on the man's moustache.

One day, she could not bear the feeling of the admiration any more. So she walked up to the man. "Excuse...me, mister, I admire your moustache very much as it is sooo... beautiful and well-kept. Would you be so kind enough to give me just a strand of it for souvenir? Pleaseee...." said the girl timidly, afraid that the man would get offended.

On hearing this, the man pulled out his pant and took out a strand of hair and gave it to the girl. She was so shocked and said, "No..no..no.., I mean... a strand of your moustache..."

Pointing to his moustache, "Here showroom..." he said. And pointing to his private part, " there storeroom."

One Cantonese speaking family has just employed a new maid who can only speaks English.

The mother has problems teaching the new maid how to talk to the baby into taking milk from the bottle because the maid couldn't speak a single Cantonese dialect.

The father pondered for quite a while, called the maid over and instructed her to keep saying "5 5 6 9 9 ... 5 5 6 9 9" whenever she wants to feed the baby from the bottle.

Puzzled, the maid followed his instructions and hey presto! the baby finished the milk each time. Well, curiosity got the better of her, so she couldn't help asking the father ...

The father nonchalantly replied, "5 5 6 9 9 in our dialect is 'fai fai sek nai nai' which, literally translated is 'hurry up and finish the milk'

How DA NEW (Big Bull in mandarin) got married

Once a upon a time in Singapore, there was a man named DA NEW.DA NEW is a very talented man, he has the ability and the intelligence to accomplish almost anything. But DA NEW has one fault in his character, he is very lazy.

When it is time for DA NEW to get married, he does not bother to look for a wife. Finally his parent decided to act for him, they put a ad in the papers looking for a partner for DA NEW. In ad, they put in all his talents and good points. That obviously run into many lines.

Strangely no one responds to the ad. The following day his parents place the ad again, still no one responds to the ad. This went on for a few weeks and his parents lost hope. Therefore they decided to go to China to look for DA NEW's wife.

In China, they place the same ad (in mandarin this time), but still no one responds. This again went on for a few weeks. Then his parent sat down and thought very hard, they concluded that on one believe in the ad. This is because they have put into the ad all DA NEW's talent and good point, which it is all true. So they decided to put in his only fault, his laziness. In the next ad, they added "DA NEW (big bull) PI QIAO (is a bit) LAN (lazy)".

This time girls from all over China came in bus and truck loads. There was so many girls until DA NEW's parents couldn't decide who is the best girl for him. Out of shock they ask one of the girls why is the respond so good after they have added DA NEW's laziness. The girl didn't understand what they were asking. She said that in China, people read from right to left and not left to right, and the ad reads, "LAN QIAO (penis) PI NEW DA (bigger then bull).
Finally DA NEW found his wife and they lived happily from then on.

Ten Fruits

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw that the third guy brought durians."

Mahathir had a think-tank retreat with his cabinet in Bintan resort to discuss his Vision 2020... the economy wasn't doing too great, so they decided they needed a perk up...
Everybody was cracking their heads........ when Anwar announced that he had an idea: "Send a Malaysian to the moon!" All agreed, saying that it will bring back national pride etc... Mahathir was sore that it was Anwar that came up with this brilliant idea but had to go along anyway... not wanting the thunder stolen from him .
He volunteered to personally select the astronaut. So, the Malaysians got into a frenzy as Sultans wanted their favourite nephews to be selected and a nation wide search was conducted. Of course Mahatir got his hirelings to do the running until 3 candidates 1 Sultan's nephew - a Malay naturally, 1 Indian and 1 Chinese (so what's new?) were shortlisted for final selection interview by Mahathir. Wanting to give the impression that the selection was fair, he instructed that the interview would be conducted with the candidates present. The blue-blooded bumiputra was scheduled second to make it fair.
The Indian was first. Mahatir asked: "My dear kawan, what do you want in return for going to the moon?" The Indian replied, "Sir, I want 1 million ringgit". Mahatir was surprised, so he said "But going to the moon is for the country, why do you want so much money in return? You will become famous all over the world!"
Whereby the Indian replied "In case I get stuck on the moon, at least I know my family will be taken care of with the million dollars"
Mahatir was not convinced so he told the Indian to go home and wait for a reply.
The prince came next. Immediately, he said "Unlike the Indian, I will need only 500,00 ringgit for my wife". Mahatir was pleased, but before he could say anything, the prince continued "I have 4 wives, so I want 2 million ringgit" Mahatir was shocked again, so he asked the prince to return home and wait for a reply.
Finally the Chinese came and said "Tuanku, I want 3 million ringgit"
Mahatir was furious, so he bellowed "Why do you want 3 million for?" the Chinese replied "One million is for you, sir" Whereby Mahatir was extremely pleased. "the second million is for my family" "That sounds fair" said Mahatir "and the third million?"
"The third million is to send the Indian to the moon!"

Poem by Li Bai

For those Ah Bengs, Ah Keongs & poor army reservists...

If you know the Chinese version of the famous poem by Li Bai, you will appreciate the Singlish version better.

(English Version)
'The moon light is pouring down on my bedside
like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
and lower my head thinking of my dear hometown'

--Li Bai

(Singlish Version)
Bedfront Moon Bright Bright
Think is Floor White White
Lift Head see Moon Moon
Bow Head Miss Home Home....

(Ah-Beng Version)
Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think Think Go Pang Sai (go shit)
Look up in the sky
Poem is a waste of time
...... Li Pang Sai

(latest Reservist Army version)
Bedfront Lauuuuu Bark Sai (tears drop)
Think Think have to go Excercise ( Reservist mobilization)
Drop dead look into the sky (Run until no breathe)
Tong Kor Sia Lang Chai (My heartache nobody knows)
........ Li Pang Sai

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at the start. Bang!
They started to run like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the British got shot down. Before he went down, he gave a patriotic shout, "Long live the queen" and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted, "Banzai" and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m .... ... Bang! He, too, was shot down. Before he died, he shouted "KAYU LAH!!" One meter also no discount!"

One day, God sent three presidents, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, "I've sent the three of you here too early. You aren't supposed to die yet.
Therefore, I'm going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about."
So, Clinton asked "When is America going to become big and busy and rich?"
God answered,"Another 50 years." Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.
God asked him his reason for his behaviour and Clinton said, "I'm afraid I don't have that long a life to see that."
Next, Ghandi asked,"When is India going to be big and busy and rich?"
God answered,"Another 100 years. Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way.
Lastly, Mahatir asked, "When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?" This time, God wept.

It is often disputed where the best businessmen come from. Some say the best businessmen are the Jews, some say businessmen from Pakistan and some say it's the Chinese. Well, the following story should give you a clue to the true answer.
Three businessmen were sitting on a park bench. One was an Pakistani, the other a Jew, and the third a Chinese. A fly landed on the arm of the Pakistani businessman. He swatted the fly, killed it, and then to the astonishment of the other two, he ate it. A minute later, a fly landed on the arm of the Jew. He swatted it, killed it, and then flicked it off his arm. The Chinese businessman then got up from his seat, picked the fly of the ground, showed it to the Pakistani, and asked, "You want to buy fly?".

This happen in Normanton Park Apartment. This apartment was famous once as it was solely for Army Officers.

There was this young punk who went to visit his brother who was a newly commisioned 2nd Lieutenant staying at this Apartment.
Apparently, this young punk was going out on date and he wanted to borrow his brother's new BMW.

Having a good time with his date, he came back to the apartments to return the car to the brother. However, he found that the car was dirty and the tyres were a bit muddy. So he wanted to clean them. Just then he saw an old Indian man washing a old Lancer in the carpark.
So he appraoched the Indian man and said

Punk: Hey Annan "can wash my car oh not. I pay you"

Indian Man: Looked at him but did not acknowledge him.

Punk : (Not happy) Hey Annan, You know who I am , I Lieutenant Tan's Bra...der knows. Wash my car Ok.

Indian Man : Looked at him again and said " Please tell your Lieutant brother that Colonel Arumugam does not wash cars.

Punk : Ah .... What !

And then there's the story of the owner of a small business who received yet another questionnaire from the government. It began by asking : " How many employees do you have broken down by sex ? " "None at all, " he wrote, " although a few people do come in late in the morning. "

You know you're not young anymore when ....

Before - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend and all is norm
Now - You take a bus from Marina MRT to Marina Bay during the weekend and other than the bus driver, you 're the oldest person in the bus.

Before - You go to Disco Dances
Now - You go to Dinner & Dances

Before - Your auntie and uncles call you Ah Boy/Ah Girl
Now - Your auntie and uncles call you Dennis/Irene

Before - Kids call you Gor Gor/Ze Ze (Chinese Hokkien dialect for big brother /Sister)
Now - Kids call you Uncle/Auntie

Before - You talk about exams, teacher, homework, friends
Now - You talk about career, bosses, office-work, colleages

Before - You come back very late at night and your mum is pacing along the common walkway, waiting anxiously
Now - You come back very late at night and your mum is sound asleep.

Before - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys call you
Now - Your mother gets paranoid when girls/guys don't call you

There was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:

1) $10.00 to do it on the grass.
2) $20.00 to do it on a couch.
3) $30.00 to do it in the bed.

It's in the morning when a Mexican walks in and slaps a $10 bill on the table.
So they go out and do it on the grass.

Around noon, an American walks in and slaps a $20 bill on the table. So they go for the couch and do it on there.

About the end on the day, an Ah beng walks in and slaps $30 on the table.
Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow,...you have class".
The Ah beng responds, "Class my ASS... Three times on the Grass..

An Indian man was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay.But as this was his first time in an aeroplane, he made a few preparations that were out of this place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the Indian man declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drink!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. The Indian man picked up the yoghurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

Then the Indian man took out several pieces of chappatis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the Indian man proudly.

Finally, the Indian man took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the Indian man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when the Indian let a loud ripping fart go "PPPPHHHHUUUUTTTTTT"
"What was that!?" asked the American in disgust.

The old Indian man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

A Taiwanese man with very poor, practically no, English knowledge once visited the US. His name happened to be:Teng Xiao Ping.

At the Immigration, the officer asked him a few questions to verify his true intention of coming to the US:-

First he was asked:"What is the last name of our first President?"
Not knowing English neither what was the question, he guessed they must >have asked him for his family name. So he replied:"Wa Sing Teng."
(in Hokkien meaning My Last Name is Teng).
The officer heard of "Washington!"(same sound) so passed him of the first question.

Second question was:"What do u come to the US for?"
This time the Taiwanese thought, naturally he wud be asked of his first name. So he replied:"Xiao Ping." The officer heard of:"Shopping!" so nodded and proceeded with his third question.

"What car do u drive back home?" The tourist thought he was asked of his marital status, so he exclaimed:"Wa Bo
Bo."(in Hokkien meaning I have no wife).
And the officer heard of:"Volvo!" So smiled with compliment and asked again.

The fourth question was:"Who is the most popular basket ball player here in the US?" By this time our Taiwanese
friend was getting a bit impatient and annoyed hence shouted:"Mai Ho Wa Ja Dan."(meaning: Don't let me here wait).
The officer heard of:"Michael Jordon!"
With great appreciation of this tourist's wide knowledge, the officer let him passed without further
harrassment.

Singapore office sports (as they don't do others):

jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging the feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing the weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing the luck,
shooting arrows from behind
and playing hide and seek

If there is something copyright protected in there, let me know and I can take it down or put a reference to it's origin.
Since I get my jokes mostly from friends it is near impossible to check all references, cross links etc. since they mostly not supplied with the actual jokes.

But the most important thing: Give me new, more jokes!

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Last Updated: 02.06.05